Let’s face it, talking about the things that really matter to us can be scary. When talking to adults – it can be downright daunting. However, holding onto things, rather than addressing them increases anxiety and makes us feel like we cannot be ourselves. As time goes by, it doesn’t get easier to take that first step.

The good news is, those really tough conversations don’t always have to be as difficult. With the right approach, you can work toward making yourself heard, without all the extra drama and stress. These tips can help you express yourself better at school, home, or work.

1. Do not build your conversation around presumptions.

We all have a habit of expecting a person to act a certain way and say certain things. Some of that is built on past experiences, and some of it is built on presumption.

Scientifically, our brains are wired to notice trends and patterns. Think of the brain like a Pinterest search. Say one day I decided I want to bake a cake, so I searched for recipes on Pinterest. The next time I go into the app, I see cakes on my home screen for inspiration. Each time I click on a cake or save it to a board, the app learns that I have an interest in baking. If I save enough cake posts, my feed will be filled with links to articles and videos about cakes.

So, if I believe an adult won’t listen to me, will automatically say no, or will judge me before going into a conversation I am essentially saving those presumptions to my Pinterest board. My brain will then search for evidence so I can make more posts to my board. The more I save those bits of evidence, the more my brain searches for them.

This is important to understand, because when we presume an outcome, our actions can unconsciously lead us to that outcome. Maybe we are a little snarky, defensive, or we rush to judgement when someone asks a question. We may miss it when someone agrees with us because we are too busy making our argument. Presumptions derail a conversation, because they do not allow us the opportunity to be present and they filter out some of the evidence in front of us.

2. Listen respectfully.

If there is one skill that will make you a good communicator, it is to master listening respectfully.

Listening does not mean agreeing.

Respect costs you nothing and gains you respect in return.

3. Manage your emotions.

Emotions are like a social media feed. You get hundreds, maybe even thousands, of new posts pushed to your feed each day. As you scroll through, you decide what posts you want to look at, what you want like and share, and what you want to ignore.

The same thing happens with your emotions. They are not facts, they are feelings. You decide which ones you want to look at, which ones you want to act on, and which ones aren’t valid.

Sometimes you need to set an emotion aside in the moment and go back and look at it when you can think about why you felt that way. It may be something you decide to act on later or decide is not valid.

Sometimes an emotion is something to act on immediately. For example, if someone is making you feel unsafe, you should remove yourself from the situation or talk to an adult you trust. Other times, we act on an emotion without thinking about whether we should. When we do this, we endorse the emotion. This means we will get this emotion again the next time we are in a similar situation.

We cannot control other people’s emotions or actions. We can control our own behaviors.

4. Avoid manipulation.

When you spend a lot of time with someone, whether that is a parent, a teacher, or another adult, you learn about how they react to certain situations and certain assertions – especially when emotions are running high. If you say or behave in a way that triggers someone to have that emotional reaction, that is called manipulation.

For example, there may be certain things you know you can say to a teacher to get them off track in class or behaviors you can exhibit that will frustrate the teacher into doing something for you instead of making you do it independently.

The problem is that when people feel manipulated, they are not giving you their best – they are focusing on their feelings rather than participating in a conversation about things that really matter to you.

5. Stay on topic.

Avoid saying things like, “You always…,” “You never…,” or “This is just like when…”

When talking about things that really matter to you, stay in the moment. Bringing up other occasions when someone did not listen to you or you didn’t get the outcome you hoped for is not an effective strategy to get someone to see things the way you do.

6. Be consistent.

Adults tend to make judgements about how you will behave based on past experiences of how you have reacted in the past. If you are currently working to reset how you communicate with the adults you interact with, you will need to consistently react calmly before they begin to expect you to behave that way. Don’t be offended if you have a history of difficulty in expressing yourself with adults when they expect you to behave emotionally. It takes time for the dynamic to change into a habit.

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